The Divine Sense In Autism

On October ninth, David M. came to visit me at my home near Patrick’s Point. After talking together about forty minutes, we had a session of prolonged eye contact which David described in the following way: (The following is a word-by-word transcription from a cassette tape made on October ninth, 1997)

These are David M’s words verbatim:

“And so I thought, OK. Here’s the problem: You have this center, let’s say, some place in Arizona, in Florida, in Mexico, in Trinidad, and a person comes to your door and they say, “Look. I saw the sign outside and it says PEACE CENTER. And I thought, WOW! I want peace. I would like to come and I I I I you know that’s why I came to your door and I would like to know what you have to offer me, what kind of peace. And I began a series of questions for him, trying to keep him very specific so he couldn’t keep talking. And I. And I made specific problems like I said, What would you say first, what would you say first to this person?”

He said something about,

“I would teach about integrating you in your body with your mind to relax. He talked about relaxation a bit and I said, way way way way wait. Give me specifics. If you just keep ... If you start launching into theory now, I’m gonna leave. Because I’m a person who has a life. Oh, I remember one thing I said. I said, “How long is it going to take me to find this inner peace? He said, “Oh, maybe five, maybe ten years. I said. “Time” I said, “You want me to sit here for five or ten years, you want me to give up my life, give up my family, my job, and stay here for five to ten years, in order to teach me something that I don’t know where it’s leading? I don’t have any evidence. I don’t have any reason to stay even two more minutes, much less five or ten more years. What are you going to say to me, this person who has come to your door? How are you gonna demonstrate that that person has a reason to stay in contact with you, whether it’s another week, whether it’s a year, whether it’s five or ten more years? What do you say to that person when they express doubt at that point in time?

And John just stared at me. And I said, “Do you understand the question? And because he was staring at me and looking at me I thought he understands the question. He understands what I’m saying to him.... that he has to find a way, some way, to be specific about what he has to offer. And. And I said, “Do you understand the question, John? Because he was just staring at me. And I thought, “He’s thinking about this. He’s actually thinking. I’m getting through to him!” And as I was talking to him, and as he was staring at me, I noticed something incredible. The one thing you need to..if..you re...hearing this you probably know about John, is that most of the way, the way he carries his body is he’s, he’s kindof slumped over, his right eye is very lazy, and it’s blinking a lot and he bends his head bends to the right, and he sortof favors his right eye and he never makes real eye contact with you...He sortof looks around the room...he give you a shot, and then he looks around the room....it’s all very scattered....it’s as if ...it’s as if again he’s in his own world, and you don’t ...you aren’t really there with him.

Well while I was talking to him, and trying to get him to be specific, looking at him and saying, “Tell me what you would say to this person! Don’t go on talking now. You have to say one specific thing that’s gonna HOOK this person into staying with you. At least for this moment in time. And he was staring at me, and I noticed that while he was staring at me, for the first time in our conversation, which now had been going on for forty-five minutes or so, he was looking at me. Both his eyes were wide open. His lazy eye had gone away. His body had come somewhat erect. And he was giving me eye contact. Very steady eye contact. And as he did that, I started to feel this light vibration in the room. The room began to vibrate very lightly. And there was a warmth to it. And a feeling like he and I were being surrounded by some sort of force field. We were both in it together. It wasn’t like there was any separation but the the air between us became very dense and there was a just a vibration and that’s all I can say. I could feel my own body slightly warmed, with a vibration I felt like I was being encased in this sort of a bubble, and I looked at John and he was staring at me and I said,

“Do you realize what’s happening right now?” I said that to him. He isn’t saying anything to me. He was just looking at me. And he didn’t respond so I said,

“Do you realize that right now for the first time you are looking at me as another human being. You are looking into my eyes. We are making eye contact. And you’re not covering up real stuff which is happening right now, with a bunch of words?” And he just kept looking at me. And as he kept looking at me, this vibrating sort of bubble around us got more intense. The vibration increased. And I felt colors increase...the intensities of colors increase as well. And I ...and it was at about that time that I got this sense that he understood what was happening as well. And I said, “John, you’ve gotta answer me here, because you’re starting to piss me off again. It’s very important that you understand that something is changed in your demeanor towards me now. You... what I’m learning right now is that you never have to have that lazy eye. You never have to be sortof slumped over. You never have to be talking all the time. You can actually have dialogue with somebody as a totally normalized human being, a person who is in total communication. I said, “ You understand that that’s what I’m feeling? that that’s my problem here?” He kept looking at me and I saying, “John. The point is I don’t know what you’re doing, but the point is that I feel like you’ve been playing a game with me to some extent so you have to settle this fear of mine before we can go on here. And I started at that point feeling some resistance to what was happening. I’ve had these sort of states with people before. I wasn’t surprised by it exactly...I knew that a great deal of energy was being generated and I did sense at that time that a lot of it was coming from John, but that I was also participating in making it happen. So what I was trying to say was,

“I’m going to stop participating if you don’t answer this for me and I think that got through, ‘cause he knew something was happening obviously that was clear. And he said,

“Don’t resist what’s happening right now.. “ something along these lines.. “Don’t resist this. You’re receptive to it. Allow your receptivity to grow.”

And that really got me angry. And I said, “I’m into that. I understand something’s happening John, but you’ve got to settle this thing. Have you been playing a game with me or not? Because if this is something genuine, then I can go with it. If I feel like I’m being manipulated here, then I’m backin’ off. You’re bugging... you’re pissing me off again understand.”

At that point he got that and he started trying to explain. And he at first said,

“I’m autistic.”

When this happens it’s like I’m funneling all this energy and that’s why my demeanor changes. “He tried to explain something like that. “That’s why I look differently.” because all this energy is being channeled through me. I’m projecting a great deal of energy on you right now. And I said, “OK. I feel that. But... and I tried to again explain one more time what I was feeling... and at that point he backed off a little more and he started talking to me, trying to explain like again the theory of what was happening and little by little he started talking about mathematics and biology again, and as he talked and talked and talked the bubble around us, the energy field, began to dissipate, and he said,

“I can feel right now that the energy field around us is beginning to dissipate,” ...almost exactly what was in my head, as if he read my mind. And he-uh ..and he said,

“It’s because talk does that. Talk makes that energy field go away and as I try, as I engage with ..it’s difficult for me to use language as I engage with that... the power of what’s coming through me now dissipates and it’s almost gone now , and I said,

“Yeah. It’s almost gone.” And indeed it was over. And so that’s basically what I experienced. I should back up a little. I don’t know if it was in that. We had two other slight sessions of that, of total, uh, energy field sort of concentration where I got a little more information from him of about what happens.

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